Heartsick

There really isn't any other word for it. It's how I feel today. Heartsick: despondent, typically from grief or loss of love. I just feel a little heartsick every time the army calls him away. While it's not a permanent state, today it is at its full force. On good days I carry on as normal, but I always have this nagging underlying feeling of loss. But today-I'm not so sure today could be counted as a good day. 

So naive. When we married 11 years ago he left for 4 months of army training just 3 weeks after the wedding. We drove to Missouri together and spent the weekend enjoying a new city. But early in the morning he had to leave. And I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday-only I have that same feeling today but to a greater depth. Alone. Married but alone. Alone in a dark hotel. Taxi to the airport. Single but married is a lonely lonely place to be. And I had NO IDEA I would continue these goodbyes. Really. No idea. So naive! I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I viewed this 4 months as a one time deal. I even got to see him several times. It was so hard! A newlywed but none of the honeymoon phase.

 Through the years the good byes continue. Sometimes for a few days, a couple of times for a month or so. Every year 2 weeks and every month a weekend. A year. 9 months. Over and over. And never do I not feel that familiar pit in the depths of my stomach. "I feel sick," is something I've said more than once. Sometimes I see his taillights as he drives away. Sometimes I watch his back until I no longer see him. I always stay. I want him to see me if he looks back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think the harder the good bye, the less likely he is to look. It was dark this morning. Today he came back. We said goodbye and he came back. One more hug, one more kiss. Walk away, don't look back.

His morning is full of preparation. Mine too. Packing, check out, return car, check in. Reunite with kids, unpack...plenty on the to do list. Busy. Stay busy. So you don't feel. Stuff it. Stuff the feelings away. You can't let them overcome you because you have to function. Sometimes I just way to stay in a fog but I can't do that, won't do that, because I need to be present for our kids. I'm still their mom, and now I'm the only one here to parent them.

 The past few days were a happy surprise. I thought I had already said good bye but we had one more opportunity. I sorta didn't even want to come-not that I didn't want to see him, just that I didn't want to say good bye again. But I'm so glad I was here. I see him and everything is right in my world again. I know that our completeness and happiness is not found in another person, and many of you know a good marriage. And when you're in one, your world is just better when you're together.

 I think this post is depressing. And it would be wrong to think that I'm just a wandering shell of despondency. But I'm in love with my husband and we are a part. For a long time. This time it is for real. No more happy surprises. 9 months. I have to remind myself I'm not unique. There are countless others in this same situation-and in the worst scenario there are no reunions. I have no reason to believe he is in any extreme danger as he is not on a combat mission so there is comfort in that fact. But I miss him all day. Every day. All the time. Never to I not miss him. And I'm sad, so very sad.