Many very generous friends have offered to help while the hubs is away, so I thought it would be good to put a little list together of a few ideas of how to do that.
First if you do one thing pray for us. Our verse is Romans 15:13. May the God of hope fill you will joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Other specific ways you can pray:
-safety for all
-our marriage
-communication/connection between him and the kids
-strength and stamina (me at home, him fulfilling his duty)
-confidence in God to provide all that we need (whatever it is at any given moment)
-that this time would not be wasted but that we would thrive, not just survive
-protection against negative thoughts
Other things:
Weekends are especially hard. This is a good time to send a text or just check in to see how we are doing. Drop by to visit. Or have one of the kids over or invite any of us on an outing. Drop by a meal. Carpool if we attend any of the same events/activities.
As a way to avoid loneliness I have a tendency to overbook our schedule but I'm trying to get control of it. This week has been hard. With a whirlwind trip to spend a few hours together and now his overseas departure I'm pretty much emotionally spent. Read the previous post if you want to feel sad, lonely, and depressed. Or don't and bring me some coffee and a scone!
Friday, July 29, 2016
Heartsick
There really isn't any other word for it. It's how I feel today. Heartsick: despondent, typically from grief or loss of love. I just feel a little heartsick every time the army calls him away. While it's not a permanent state, today it is at its full force. On good days I carry on as normal, but I always have this nagging underlying feeling of loss. But today-I'm not so sure today could be counted as a good day.
So naive. When we married 11 years ago he left for 4 months of army training just 3 weeks after the wedding. We drove to Missouri together and spent the weekend enjoying a new city. But early in the morning he had to leave. And I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday-only I have that same feeling today but to a greater depth. Alone. Married but alone. Alone in a dark hotel. Taxi to the airport. Single but married is a lonely lonely place to be. And I had NO IDEA I would continue these goodbyes. Really. No idea. So naive! I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I viewed this 4 months as a one time deal. I even got to see him several times. It was so hard! A newlywed but none of the honeymoon phase.
Through the years the good byes continue. Sometimes for a few days, a couple of times for a month or so. Every year 2 weeks and every month a weekend. A year. 9 months. Over and over. And never do I not feel that familiar pit in the depths of my stomach. "I feel sick," is something I've said more than once. Sometimes I see his taillights as he drives away. Sometimes I watch his back until I no longer see him. I always stay. I want him to see me if he looks back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think the harder the good bye, the less likely he is to look. It was dark this morning. Today he came back. We said goodbye and he came back. One more hug, one more kiss. Walk away, don't look back.
His morning is full of preparation. Mine too. Packing, check out, return car, check in. Reunite with kids, unpack...plenty on the to do list. Busy. Stay busy. So you don't feel. Stuff it. Stuff the feelings away. You can't let them overcome you because you have to function. Sometimes I just way to stay in a fog but I can't do that, won't do that, because I need to be present for our kids. I'm still their mom, and now I'm the only one here to parent them.
The past few days were a happy surprise. I thought I had already said good bye but we had one more opportunity. I sorta didn't even want to come-not that I didn't want to see him, just that I didn't want to say good bye again. But I'm so glad I was here. I see him and everything is right in my world again. I know that our completeness and happiness is not found in another person, and many of you know a good marriage. And when you're in one, your world is just better when you're together.
I think this post is depressing. And it would be wrong to think that I'm just a wandering shell of despondency. But I'm in love with my husband and we are a part. For a long time. This time it is for real. No more happy surprises. 9 months. I have to remind myself I'm not unique. There are countless others in this same situation-and in the worst scenario there are no reunions. I have no reason to believe he is in any extreme danger as he is not on a combat mission so there is comfort in that fact. But I miss him all day. Every day. All the time. Never to I not miss him. And I'm sad, so very sad.
So naive. When we married 11 years ago he left for 4 months of army training just 3 weeks after the wedding. We drove to Missouri together and spent the weekend enjoying a new city. But early in the morning he had to leave. And I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday-only I have that same feeling today but to a greater depth. Alone. Married but alone. Alone in a dark hotel. Taxi to the airport. Single but married is a lonely lonely place to be. And I had NO IDEA I would continue these goodbyes. Really. No idea. So naive! I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I viewed this 4 months as a one time deal. I even got to see him several times. It was so hard! A newlywed but none of the honeymoon phase.
Through the years the good byes continue. Sometimes for a few days, a couple of times for a month or so. Every year 2 weeks and every month a weekend. A year. 9 months. Over and over. And never do I not feel that familiar pit in the depths of my stomach. "I feel sick," is something I've said more than once. Sometimes I see his taillights as he drives away. Sometimes I watch his back until I no longer see him. I always stay. I want him to see me if he looks back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think the harder the good bye, the less likely he is to look. It was dark this morning. Today he came back. We said goodbye and he came back. One more hug, one more kiss. Walk away, don't look back.
His morning is full of preparation. Mine too. Packing, check out, return car, check in. Reunite with kids, unpack...plenty on the to do list. Busy. Stay busy. So you don't feel. Stuff it. Stuff the feelings away. You can't let them overcome you because you have to function. Sometimes I just way to stay in a fog but I can't do that, won't do that, because I need to be present for our kids. I'm still their mom, and now I'm the only one here to parent them.
The past few days were a happy surprise. I thought I had already said good bye but we had one more opportunity. I sorta didn't even want to come-not that I didn't want to see him, just that I didn't want to say good bye again. But I'm so glad I was here. I see him and everything is right in my world again. I know that our completeness and happiness is not found in another person, and many of you know a good marriage. And when you're in one, your world is just better when you're together.
I think this post is depressing. And it would be wrong to think that I'm just a wandering shell of despondency. But I'm in love with my husband and we are a part. For a long time. This time it is for real. No more happy surprises. 9 months. I have to remind myself I'm not unique. There are countless others in this same situation-and in the worst scenario there are no reunions. I have no reason to believe he is in any extreme danger as he is not on a combat mission so there is comfort in that fact. But I miss him all day. Every day. All the time. Never to I not miss him. And I'm sad, so very sad.
Friday, July 8, 2016
So Broken
How many times I've thought this---our world is so broken. So very broken. This has been a particularly hard week. Not just for me personally but for my community, my city, and my country. I grieve. I pray. I mourn. I pray. I soldier on. And underlying all the sadness, all the weight of the world there is a line of comfort from my creator, my personal savior, my God. In hope. Months ago Hubby and I chose Romans 15:13 as our verse for this year of deployment. I pray it often, substituting my own personal pronouns.
May the God of hope fill ME with all joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I pray this when I'm lonely, when I miss Mike, when I'm overwhelmed with just the daily task of raising two children and keeping a home. When faced with any number of my own personal shortcomings-perceived or otherwise true.
And now I cling to hope faced with just the sheer magnitude of how deep and tragic and short our lives and world is. And I grieve for those who mourn:
-the loss of a child
-the fallen officers in the Dallas shooting
-those marginalized for the the color of their skin
-the list goes on and on and on and on...
I mourn also for my inaction. Oh what to do, what to do? Instinct is to shield and "protect" my children from this cruel world and pretend none of this is either happening or affecting me. But perhaps that is a disservice.
I have told you these things so that in me (Jesus) you may have peace. In this world we WILL have trouble, but take heart! I (Jesus) have overcome the world-John 16:33
No one wants trouble. No one wants to be uncomfortable. I would never ask for it myself or suggest anyone else be "better for it" But in my personal times of trouble is also when I have experienced the sweetest times with Christ and his perfect provision. And I have the history of God showing up and being there for me to get me through any current trouble. I can rest safely in His arms. If I can't let my children experience (age appropriate) bad, how will they know good?
So back to my personal time of need-I'm thankful. I'm thankful for each and every seemingly small and some very large act(s) of kindness extended my way. Today I will talk to my children. We will seek out a way to serve others. And I will pray with them tonight as we do every night-please help us to love you and love others.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Things I think but never say
It's obviously always a little emotional when the Hubs leaves. But the emotion and reminders of his absence don't stop after we say good bye. There are constant reminders. Like when I finally do the last bit of laundry with any of his clothing items. And then days later actually put it away. Or clean up the kitchen and put away the cup (s) only he uses. Or make the bed and only my side is mussed. Or come across something he's left out or he gets mail I have to either deal with or set aside for him. I don't go to the dry cleaners to pick up his shirts anymore. I only make half a pot of coffee. His truck sits out front in our driveway. For awhile I catch a glimpse of it and my heart leaps-he's home! But then I remember where he is and I get a little lonely all over again. After awhile though the truck no longer affects me. My heart closes itself off a bit, I suppose as some sort of emotional protection. And then I keep on keeping on.
The kids and I started a count down yesterday. We each have 300 hershey's hugs or kisses and get to have 1 a day "from dad." Until yesterday I wished every day was the day before. But now I'm wishing for tomorrow. And then it occurred to me this morning while doing that laundry-we no longer have 300 days until we see each other again. It's already 299!
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